july 2nd, 2020

my brain is filled with incoherent nonsense, it almost feels as if someone is shuffling cards inside my head and the cards represent my thoughts however it's going too fast for me to pick one.
i stumble in and out of reality. i can't differentiate what's real or what's merely a figment of my imagination built to combat my own forlornness anymore, it's all so blurry. i am slowly fading into obscurity and my sanity dwindles each day. i could slip under the inexorable tide of fatigue and solitariness and disappear into the void forever.

i can't wait to finally crawl out of the dark pits of my mind and be free from this unbearable agony, when i can at last leave this abyss of darkness where i won't have to toil in torment for what seems to have been an eternity. i am a dismal nonentity, i have no destiny. i am a victim of a thing unknown to me, a mantle picture of a stolen soul. i’ve known for a very long time that i don't belong here on this planet. it's just a matter of time before i leave it all behind. i've been plagued with constant suicidal thoughts since i was 10. death is inevitable therefore doesn't scare me, all of mankind is aware that they'll pass away at some point because it’s simply unavoidable and whenever that time may be is usually unbeknownst to us but there’s few who can accept death gracefully without fear or resistance. there's a lot of dread attached to dying when it shouldn't be viewed as a bad thing, in fact it excites me, not even in a morbid tragic way, just the fact that it'll be so vastly different from living and i can be irrevocably free from my excruciating sadness.

i personally believe that our spirits will go on to another afterlife (not heaven or hell) but rather a neutral place, even if there is nothing after death it won't matter to us anyway. look at the entire universe though, the galaxies are huge i mean way beyond our comprehension, our soul will move on maybe not on this earth but onto another one however some people still stick to their mundane mindset and beliefs when there is so much beauty. no one needs me here anyway, my entire life has been a series of meaningless repetitions, people may say suicide is selfish or cruel but the cruellest of all punishments was devised by this planet towards me for daring to be free of the hand that fate had dealt me. i didn't ask to be brought into this world, i'm sick of nurturing others when i get nothing in return

july 3rd, 2020

i yearn for human connection, touch, reassurance, affection and solace in somebody. i'm so intensely lonely and detached from others. i have so much love to give but it all goes to waste cause no one ever wants it, i've grown used to this feeling of constant emptiness and the crushing sense that something is missing inside me. the melancholy has sunk into my bones and i came to terms with the fact that maybe i'm just destined to be isolated from the rest of humankind a long long time ago.
i'm utterly unlovable and fundamentally insignificant to this world but as much as i've tried to convince myself that it doesn’t bother me the sentiment is starting to sour within me and saddens me regularly. from a young age i quickly realised that i was cursed to live and die as i came into this world, alone. i'm really not coping well right now. i just desire to be genuinely loved by someone unconditionally but i never have and never will be.

july 4th, 2020

aside from all the cruelty and heartbreak there's so much beauty and wonder in this world, the trees dancing in the wind are beautiful, and the mountains too, autumn leaves falling gently, the clouds in their utter glory, stars and galaxies in the deep sky glimmering and glistening, moonlit waterfalls and the symphony of early birds, so much beauty taken for granted however i struggle to find any kind of beauty in myself

july 5th, 2020

LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE.
LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE.
LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE.
LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE.
LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE.
LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE.
LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE LOVE IS SUICIDE LOVE IS SUICIDE LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE.
LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE.
LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE. LOVE IS SUICIDE.

july 10th, 2020

it's been a while since i've updated this, i'd try to say that i took a break or was simply just busy or whatever but that'd just be a blatant lie. in all honestly i've just been moping around and had absolutely no motivation to do anything due to my depression lol.

on a side note my compulsion to die is overwhelmingly strong, my will to live is below bare minimum and my suicidal ideation has been growing drastically more intense by the day.

it's immensely disheartening whenever i eventually open up people as they constantly take my kindness for granted, use me, overlook me, mock me behind my back. i'm not stupid or oblivious, in fact i'm completely aware of what they're doing but sometimes i'm just so lonely that i settle for any kind of human contact i can receive, i try to see the best in others, i used to forgive people so easily in fear of being alone but i'm not a freakin doormat, since then though i've completely alienated myself from the rest of society to avoid any more heart-ache. i get treated with little to no respect on a daily basis. i only ever get taken advantage of and it’s so tiring trying to please everyone, i just want others to be happy no matter how much it drains me but i still somehow manage to unintentionally hurt those same very people, what the fuck is wrong with me?

i'm utterly a massive failure, i can't stand the unbearable pain of being alive for much longer and i know for certain that i don’t belong on this earth, absolutely nothing could convince me otherwise. i'm thoroughly alone in this world- not a single person there for me, i've never had a single friend in my entire life, gawd even my own family despise me how am i THAT pathetic. there's definitely something else out there for me though. i'm not sure what it is yet but i promise it's not here.

july 20th, 2020

he occurred in my dream last night. i instantly felt all the despair leave my body and i was overcome with an unexplainable bizarre state of blissful euphoria. i can't help but to ponder over why his face smudged in my sweven? why must I always be cheated of my happiness and instead confronted with the harsh reality, forever unknowing the pleasures of life? the second i saw his face i was immediately mesmerized and felt tranquil. its an extremely saddening kind of displaced feeling knowing that i was born in the wrong time and place but i have hope that someday, somewhere i'll be able to love him whole-heartedly without any constrictions or fear

july 29th, 2020

i want the voices in my head to stop. theyre getting louder and louder each day with no mercy, i cant shut them out and nobody fucking listens to me, nobody cares, i feel so invisible. maybe everyone i've ever met being so rude and condescending towards me my entire life has resulted to my life becoming so dull or i was just born messed up with no hope, either way im too far gone now and nothing would be able to save me, im beyond the point of being helped. i cant even open up to anyone if i was able to cause then i have a risk of slipping up and accidently revealing the plans to end my life *sigh*

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