july 2nd, 2020

my brain is filled with incoherent nonsense, it almost feels as if someone is shuffling cards inside my head and the cards represent my thoughts but it's going too fast for me to pick one.
i stumble in and out of reality. i can't differentiate what's real or what's merely a figment of my imagination built to combat my own forlornness anymore, it's all so blurry. i am slowly fading into obscurity and my sanity dwindles each day. i could slip under the inexorable tide of fatigue and solitariness and disappear into the void forever.

i can't wait to finally crawl out of the dark pits of my mind and be free from this unbearable agony, when i can at last leave this abyss of darkness where i won't have to toil in torment for what seems to have been an eternity. i am a dismal nonentity, i have no destiny. i am a victim of a thing unknown to me, a mantle picture of a stolen soul. i’ve known for a very long time that i don't belong here on this planet. it's just a matter of time before i leave it all behind. i've been plagued with constant suicidal thoughts since i was a child. death is inevitable therefore doesn't scare me, all of mankind is aware that they'll pass away at some point because it’s simply unavoidable and whenever that time may be is usually unbeknownst to us but there’s few who can accept death gracefully without fear or resistance. there's a lot of dread attached to dying when it shouldn't be viewed as a bad thing, in fact it excites me, not even in a morbid tragic way, just the fact that it'll be so vastly different from living and i can be irrevocably free from my excruciating sadness.

i personally believe that our spirits will go on to another afterlife (not heaven or hell) but rather a neutral place, even if there is nothing after death it won't matter to us anyway. look at the entire universe though, the galaxies are huge i mean way beyond our comprehension, our soul will move on maybe not on this earth but onto another one however some people still stick to their mundane mindset and beliefs when there is so much beauty. no one needs me here anyway, my entire life has been a series of meaningless repetitions, people may say suicide is selfish or cruel but the cruellest of all punishments was devised by this planet towards me for daring to be free of the hand that fate had dealt me. i didn't ask to be brought into this world, i'm sick of nurturing others when i get nothing in return

july 3rd, 2020

i yearn for human connection, touch, reassurance, affection and solace in somebody. i'm so intensely lonely and detached from others. i have so much love to give but it all goes to waste cause no one ever wants it, i've grown used to this feeling of constant emptiness and the crushing sense that something is missing inside me. the melancholy has sunk into my bones and i came to terms with the fact that maybe i'm just destined to be isolated from the rest of humankind a long long time ago.
i'm utterly unlovable and fundamentally insignificant to this world but as much as i've tried to convince myself that it doesn’t bother me the sentiment is starting to sour within me and saddens me regularly. from a young age i quickly realised that i was cursed to live and die as i came into this world, alone. i'm really not coping well right now. i just desire to be genuinely loved by someone unconditionally but i never have and never will be.

july 4th, 2020